A Journey from Anxiety to Grace

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GOD, I NEED YOU

I sit in awe. God’s grace and goodness cannot be explained in words. It can only be felt through Him.

[Listen: King of my heart (live) Bethel music]

… for He delivered us and saved us and called us with a holy calling [a calling that leads to a consecrated life –a life set apart– a life of purpose], not because of our works [or because of any personal merit–we could do nothing to earn this], but because of His own purpose and grace [His amazing, undeserved favor] which was granted to us in Christ Jesus before the world began [eternal ages ago].  2 TIMOTHY 1:9 AMP

Before booking our overseas family vacation I was a very anxious person. I constantly
asked God to bring peace inside me. “Lord, help me, why can I not find rest?” I
experienced extreme chaos inside and around me. I tried with all my might to step into
faith, to give it all to God. The harder I tried, the more I struggled. Stepping into faith –
purposefully making that decision every day, yet, nothing changed. I was carrying a very
heavy burden on my shoulders.

I had a lot of questions. My mind did not stop. I need to do more for His Kingdom. I can’t
stop now. There is no time to waste. What if I miss what He is asking or telling me?
Then what? He will be so disappointed in me. I can’t breathe. Lord, show me Your will!
What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be at peace?

Holy Spirit showed me that I am sitting at a desk in a dark room. I am building a puzzle.
Every now and again a hand from above reaches down and passes me a piece of the
puzzle. (Through this vision I know that it is God’s hand.) I don’t even look up. I take the
piece and try to find its place. All I can think about is this puzzle that I need to finish. I
need to see the end product. Everything I did on a daily basis, was to find pieces to this
puzzle. Finding answers to all my questions. If I disobey Him, if I am not a good person, if
I don’t listen to what He is saying to me, or if I don’t read His Word constantly, I might
miss a chance to find out what I am building, what He is telling or teaching me.

I constantly hear that God loves me no matter what, I do not have to do anything in
return. It did not make any sense to me. Yes, I do not have to do anything, but I so
desperately want to do what God asks of me. Why would someone love you and not
want something in return? The amount of questions just piled up even more. The
burden is so heavy on my shoulders. Am I doing life right? Why does it feel like I am
suffocating? Why did God create me? I mean, is this really it? I need to be close to You.

[Listen: To my knees – Hillsong Young & Free]

Worshiping God! Aaah! My happy place. Every time that I was in His presence, He made
it clear that I must let go. He would say to me: “Let go of the burdens that you carry!
They are so heavy. You don’t need to carry those burdens by yourself. Look, Jesus is
carrying the cross, you do not have to carry anything. He is carrying it for you.” He
showed me that I am an eagle on a mountaintop, spanning my wings ready to fly. I
would hear Him say: “Stop standing on the mountaintop with your wings wide open.
You are not even going anywhere. Look down. You are still standing still. In order to
move, in order to fly, you need to actually take the leap, jump off the cliff, trust Me.” He
showed me that I am His daughter but that I don’t fully made Him my Father. “Look up
my child, there is My castle. I am the King. Why are you walking down here in the dark?
You don’t belong here. You are My daughter. You are the daughter of a King and that
castle up there is also yours. Come to Me.”

[Listen: Don’t deserve You – Plumb]

I am sitting at the airport, pinching myself in disbelief that I am actually going on an
overseas holiday. I have never even thought that it would be a possibility. This was
already a big leap of faith as I had to leave everything behind for three weeks. I found
myself praying constantly, asking God to help me enjoy the trip and to show me what
He wants to teach me. I was totally out of my comfort zone and routine.

I had very little time to spend with God. I was hardly ever alone. I would speak to Him as
we walked in the villages and cities, walking in the beautiful gardens, as I lie in bed,
trying to connect with Him and thanking Him constantly for what He does for me.

[Listen: I am loved – Mack Brock]

Somewhere towards the end of our holiday it started to dawn on me – for the first time
in my life I spent time in a normal household. (We stayed with my sister-in-law and her
family.) Normal in the context of routine, household chores, communication,
dinnertime. People took me into their home and treated me with love and respect. They
expected nothing from me. Wow. Is this how it is supposed to be? I love it. It is so
comforting. I did not understand what was happening to me. But I felt different.

I was lying in bed, having a chat with Holy Spirit, asking Him to explain this to me. For
three weeks I did not pick up my Bible once, I did not attend church and I hardly made
time for God, yet I felt extreme abundance and pure love from God. He did not make me
feel ashamed for not seeking Him. He was still exactly where He has always been, right
here. How is it even possible? My Lord!!

The idea that we do not deserve anything that God gives to us became so clear. Nothing
that I do can make Him love me more or less. “I love you NOW, just the way you are.
You do not have to change for Me in order for me to love you.”

Instead of being consumed by God, I was consumed by who I thought God expected me
to be. I tried so hard to be who I thought He wanted me to be – I was doing things
because I thought it would please Him. I fell to my knees: “Lord, please forgive me. I
misunderstood Your love for me all these years.”

[Listen: Psalm 46 – Shane & Shane]

Written by: Nanje Ravenscroft

Please share to everyone you know, so that we can spread the good news of the Grace of Christ.  Even if it sets one person free that struggled with the same, it will be worth it. Shalom.

Spread the hope

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